every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…