“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I don’t trust anyone who says “peeps” and isn’t talking about the candy.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.