Anyone who can spell ‘gonorrhea’ on the first try has probably had it several times
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Interviewer: You’re hired
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: does anyone here play baseball
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese