People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today