[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue