Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
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Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
my favorite genre of twitter
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”