I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?