As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I love wikipedia
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I love the National Park Service.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum