Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m pretty good at getting divorced men I date to give their ex another chance.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.
*Updates dating profile.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
When people say ‘oh, you’re still single?’
I like to reply with ‘wow, you’re still married?’
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.