An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I thought I wanted to get married again.
Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.