Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Paint thinner? Bullshit.
Been painting myself with it all week. Still fat.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
My bladder has been tested on this road trip. I still don’t know how far a ‘mile’ really is but I can drive 75 of them before I have to pee.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around.
HAHAHAHA. As if.