You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Spa day..😅
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.