My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
i really liked this one
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.