Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
August 8
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.