my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober