Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
eggs benadryl
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.