I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
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ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
🥶🥶🐶🐶
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.