You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
a badder mouse
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I’d … I’d rather not.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?