@AnitaHelmet

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

@AnitaHelmet

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

@AnitaHelmet

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

@AnitaHelmet

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

@AnitaHelmet

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

@AnitaHelmet

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

@AnitaHelmet

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

@AnitaHelmet

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.