@AnkCoupleTO: [gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it's CLEARLY mutual

@AnkCoupleTO: Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

@AnkCoupleTO: Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

@AnkCoupleTO: [college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

@AnkCoupleTO: Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

@AnkCoupleTO: Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it's just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

@AnkCoupleTO: [job interview]

Panel: We're looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

@AnkCoupleTO: [holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

@AnkCoupleTO: I'm lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who's about to kill me gave me a little more privacy