I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
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If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
thank god
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.