Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.