gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.