@AnniemuMary

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

@AnniemuMary

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

@AnniemuMary

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

@AnniemuMary

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

@AnniemuMary

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

@AnniemuMary

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

@AnniemuMary

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

@AnniemuMary

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

@AnniemuMary

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.