Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.