Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Just bought a flame thrower to use on anyone who pulls out in front of me and then goes under the speed limit.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
It was after lunch, the sun was high and my energy was low, when I told myself I’d just, “rest my eyes,” in my car in the target parking lot. I woke up 6 years later AND IVE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.