@AnnietheNanny1

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

@AnnietheNanny1

Just bought a flame thrower to use on anyone who pulls out in front of me and then goes under the speed limit.

@AnnietheNanny1

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

@AnnietheNanny1

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

@AnnietheNanny1

It was after lunch, the sun was high and my energy was low, when I told myself I’d just, “rest my eyes,” in my car in the target parking lot. I woke up 6 years later AND IVE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!

@AnnietheNanny1

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

@AnnietheNanny1

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

@AnnietheNanny1

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.