Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.