Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
new wife guy just dropped
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”