developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
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Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Phones down.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
as is their right
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car