Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Science memes
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped