“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
You Might Also Like
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat