Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
You Might Also Like
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Boating season is upon us.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.