Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
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best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’