Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
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The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*