I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
You Might Also Like
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Had an epiphany today.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
it must be school picture day
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right