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A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore