Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
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Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
sry
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies