A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training