Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!