The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Well, that didn’t work.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.