Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye