Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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I think this should do it.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?