How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
…..pretty much.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal