*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Anyone really
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him