him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Spider-cat: No One Home
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.