Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
how to have an accident 101
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you