Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
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buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.