If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
You Might Also Like
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”