(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
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I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.