If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses