Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda